I am really not sure what God is up to in my life. I feel like I used to feel at the start of my track races. Great anticipation, accompanied by fear of the unknown. Should I be in this race, will I be able to finish, what will every think if I loose, or worse quit. Lately I have felt outside of myself, I can feel God stirring inside of me and I can see the enemy's darts. Every time I think I am past something it comes around for one last right hook. And today I was not ready, and that right hook almost knocked me out, but wouldn't you know it, as I was falling I felt his arms so I fell without fear and just rested a bit, and soon I will get up. I will grieve this and move on. Anyone who knows me knows I just really don't cry, I get sad of course but the tears just don't come...But with whatever it is God is doing, all I can do is cry. I know I want this move and at the same time I am starting to see what I am gonna have to be giving up.. I know in hind sight I will be saying I am glad I did, but here now, living this moment.....I just feel powerless and defeated... I am going to do what God is asking, but I feel powerless to do so, He will be my strength. I really think after this I am going to be rid of some stuff that has been buried and locked and even forgotten.
Matthew 13:45 says the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 46 when he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and brought it.
I bet that merchant had some really great stuff, I bet he looked at some of his things and said man how can I let go of that. But if that's what it takes to have this pearl, I'll do it.